This past Christmas, my children and their father gave me a beautiful pair of So Kate Christian Louboutins. My dream shoe, adored for years—under the tree. I couldn’t go to Paris because of Christmas Eve chemo, so Paris came to me.
I was thrilled, but after the holiday thrill was over…they went back to the store. Part guilt for accepting such a lavish gift under the circumstances; and part because they were horribly tight, super high…and terribly uncomfortable. I never wore the shoes.
Fast forward three months and I am walking through Neiman Marcus. After visiting Kathy at the makeup counter, I strolled over to take a peek at the shoe section. It was there that I spotted them…a beautiful design that I have never tried on, the Christian Louboutin Apostrophy nude pump. I quickly made friends with Nancy and asked if I could try them on for kicks and giggles. She came out from the back with one lovely brown paper box—they were my exact size of course. The last pair. It was meant to be. I tried them on and felt super fancy. It was clearly a match made in heaven. Yes I know, a pair of shoes shouldn’t make me “happy” and I shouldn’t depend on stuff to make me happy. But I am just going to be honest. I was over the moon, so the purchase was made. I didn’t think for a moment that pair of shoes would change my life, or make things any better. But I was happy! The shoes made me smile. Then later…
In came the guilt. I have other things to pay for. Medical bills, a party I was planning and more. It was completely irresponsible and selfish of me. So the shoes sat in my closet while I contemplated returning them again.
But I deserved them right? They were initially a gift that I returned, I survived chemo and a horrible infection. They were the LAST pair and in my size.
The justifications for keeping them continued to swim through my chemo fried brain. Yet the shoes sat in the box, in my closet, bound by a rubber band. Unworn, untouched.
Another friend I met along the way during this crazy cancer journey. I don’t know how to describe J other than relaxed positive energy. I don’t think I have ever met someone so full of life, interesting, smart and most of all funny. We talked about a lot of things. About my inability to “just breathe”. The fact that I am constantly worrying about what’s coming next, my fear of messing things up and making the wrong choices in my life moving forward.
My fear to wear the damn shoes.
I think back on it now and wonder…why did I want them so bad if I am too scared to wear them? Why do I refuse to use something for the very purpose it is made for? Why am I afraid of messing things up? It’s a time in my life to take chances, to explore new things. How can I be a fighter yet not be fearless? Why won’t I wear the shoes?
So I did it. This past Monday, I wore the shoes. I “Carrie Bradshawed” the entire day. I must say, the shoes were comfortable and fun. As a matter of fact I am wearing them again right now.
So this one goes out to my new friend J. Thanks for encouraging me to breathe, wear the shoes and enjoy the ride, no matter how I mess it up—or where it takes me.