Hello From the Married Side

I married the love of my life on June 11 in Vero Beach, Florida. Ever since that day, life has not slowed down long enough to draft a post! Our wedding day was one of the happiest days of my life. Although we didn’t see the sunset I prayed for, we did receive all the love and support from those we hold most dear.

My dad who will turn 80 in October, walked me down the aisle. My best friend officiated the ceremony. My oldest daughter was my Maid of Honor and all four of my children were there to witness. Although not my first marriage, I can say without a doubt it will be my last. My husband is a gift from God…and someone I will never take for granted.

This blog I hold dear has been with me through so many phases of life. Many times I go back and read my previous posts just to remember the long road I have walked. Some of the things I posted about then may not be perfectly related to the situations in life that I am facing currently, but I always find little nuggets that I can apply. For that, I applaud myself. Wisdom comes through life’s twists and turns—and there is so much to be shared with our future selves.

I have learned much about God’s timing in the past few months. I have struggled with him, questioned him—and even screamed at him a couple of times in the shower. But as one of my pastors told me long ago…he can take it. I will say, every time I have ever questioned him, the answer came. Maybe not in the time when I was seeking it most, but He’s proved himself to me every time.

I say this because when you are going through something tough, the majority of the people around you may send thoughts and well wishes, but they may not be in a place to truly relate to what you are facing. I have been guilty of this myself. Let this be a reminder that no matter what you are facing…there is always something better on the other side. Life’s struggles never feel like a blessing—and the blessings that will come after the hardships are the last thing we focus on during the storm. But I promise you if you hold on…something wonderful will trump all of the bad days.

XO,

C

Assumptions

Assumptions. I know exactly what you are hearing in your head right now.

Assumptions, they make and a%& out of you and me.

What’s the worst assumption that you have made? If you are brave enough, leave it in the comments. But before you do, let’s break down what an assumption is so we can better realize when we are making one.

An assumption is something that you assume to be the case, even without proof. For example, people might make the assumption that you’re a nerd if you wear glasses, even though that’s not true. Or very nice. (I wear glasses and I wish I was a nerd.) 🤓

One of my clients, who has become a great friend, recently told me that the mind believes what we tell it.

So…you’re skeptical, you probably have every right to be. But is your mind telling you that everyone you meet is toxic because you have been treated poorly in the past? Are you on the defensive before you even give someone a chance? And to be clear, I am not just talking about romantic relationships.

Did you see someone at work and think she’s a bitch because she’s pretty and dresses nice? Did you judge that guy because he has great style, perfect teeth and a gym membership that he uses on the reg? Did someone pay you a compliment—but you questioned it, because you think people aren’t capable of being genuine?

I 100% believe in red flags—and those should not be ignored. But how many of those red flags actually belong to someone else…and how many belong to you?

All of this to say, don’t rob yourself of something great because of your assumptions. Don’t freak out and lose your cool on someone who may just be trying to make a friend, or communicate their insecurities with you. Don’t reject someone or freak out because you are wrapped up in your own triggers and fears.

Don’t assume. Take your time…give people a chance to show you who they are…and then believe them when they do.

XO,

Cathy

The Gaslight District

gas·light

  1. manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity.

One of Oxford Dictionary’s most popular words of 2018: gaslighting. Psychologists use the term “gaslighting” to refer to a specific type of manipulation where the manipulator is trying to get someone else (or a group of people) to question their own reality, memory, or perceptions.

I have come into contact with many skilled gaslighters over the past few years. I didn’t realize what was happening—and at times I questioned myself and felt bad about things I never should have. This type of treatment is extremely abusive. I will say that I don’t think that all of the gaslighters I have come in contact with set out to be malicious. I think that the majority of them were narcissistic. Some of them were clearly narcissists in denial.

By trivializing your thoughts and feelings, a gaslighter is able to gain power over you. They make statements like, “calm down,” “you’re overreacting,” or “you are reading too much into that.” All of these statements minimize how you are feeling or what you are thinking and communicate that you are wrong. Gaslighters never acknowledge your thoughts, your feelings, or your beliefs, which make you begin to question those beliefs yourself. You never feel validated or understood, which can be extremely difficult to cope with.

It has been for me.

From what I have read, most gaslighters have an authoritarian personality. They admit to no faults because they see themselves as right and others as wrong. The gaslighter makes everything about their own needs and desires. They frame their actions as being helpful to their victims, but these people evolve around building their ego.

Taking time to look into what gaslighting is has turned my internal “light bulb” on full blast.

Something else to pay attention to is that gaslighting can happen outside of friendships or romantic relationships. It can even happen at work. No matter the situation, it’s important to surround yourself with people that really love you. These people will validate the truth. The people with your best interests at heart will remind you of your strengths and your gifts—and this will protect you from losing your sanity when facing a gaslighter.

If you ever find yourself in the gaslight district…the quicker you can identify what is happening and the more help you have extinguishing the flame—the less damage you will have to repair in the end.

XO,

C