“The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.” -Ernest Hemingway
Monday was my 8th round of Herceptin. I am over it, but I am thankful that I have a targeted drug. Some aren’t so fortunate. My friend C came to check on me that night and ask me how my infusion went. I was telling him that each time I go in, someone is there for their first round of chemo. You can’t help but overhear the conversations. The nurses explaining the process, the time each infusion will take and the side effects. I am taken back to the very first day I walked in to that infusion room. My first nurse. The first time I had my port accessed and all of the safety precautions I had to learn. Thankfully I haven’t had any horrible side effects from the Herceptin. Until now, number 8. I have felt lousy for the last two days. But even though I’m down in the dumps, and have 9 more rounds to go, I don’t have to endure any more chemo…many are not so fortunate. I hate cancer.
I haven’t blogged in a while. I have been keeping myself busy, a defense mechanism to avoid going into what I call “the pit”. I refuse to sit around and feel sorry for myself for too long, so planning adventures keeps me going. Over the last month I have had fabulous girls’ weekends, made fun memories with my kids, danced to the Backstreet Boys with friends at a dive bar on a Tuesday and even crashed a wedding! The fun times keep me going, but I would be lying if I said there weren’t bad times too. The pain is real and I am still on my journey to healing and stronger broken places.
When things slow down, I get lonely. It’s in those times I grieve the losses that I have experienced over the past year. It’s hard, it sucks—it hurts. Sometimes I cry so hard I can’t catch my breath. I remind myself that I am doing the best that I can given my set of circumstances. I tell myself I will make it through this. To where? I have no clue. Not knowing when or what that will look like is really freaking frustrating. Especially when I just want things to be the way I hoped they would be NOW.
In a world filled with ways to obtain instant gratification, stopping to feel the pain is even harder. I feel like I am attached to a rubber band at times. Running away from the pain, only to be snapped back to reality. I know it’s the grace of God pulling me back like that rubber band, reminding me that there is something greater out there for me if I just take the time to heal properly. He will make my broken places stronger…and I thank Him for never letting me go, even when I try to run.
I heard this song on the way to my appointment this morning. The tears came again. I HAVE to trust that He has better plans I haven’t even dreamt of yet.
“Now everything I know is God you’re in control, in every little detail you are close. I’ll never be alone, here in the unknown…the power of your presence fills my soul.” -Trust, Hillsong Young & Free