Dear Chemo,
I don’t want you, I don’t like you and I want to break up immediately!
*Warning, if you are looking to be inspired, exit out. This is definitely not a feel good post. Hopefully I will be back to those in few days.
I went from feeling like this on Friday night:
to not being able to get out of bed on Saturday. I was still in bed all day today and it’s Tuesday. I miss the outside, I miss sunshine, I miss people…and I am missing my friend’s VIP restaurant opening party tonight. I won’t even be able to go to my little boy’s birthday party at the fun center, due to it being a germ factory.
I know I should be grateful for what is good in my life. I should be thankful that I am being kept alive and the cancer is being knocked out. I should be grateful that I only have 4 rounds total when some have dozens.
But I don’t want any. more. chemo!
I went from being 100% healthy to 100% sickly and I can’t take it. Such a huge shock and lifestyle change. Everyone keeps reminding me that it’s temporary, just a blip on the radar. Is it? Because mentally and emotionally…I don’t know if I agree with that at all. I don’t think this will ever be temporary for me.
I am on the go, all of the time. Sitting still just isn’t my thing. But I haven’t had a choice for four days now. I have had bone pain that is crippling, stomach cramps worse than labor pains, headaches and nausea. I feel like I have been run over by a truck. The girl who is always smiling, has not been able to stop crying. I don’t want to fight anymore, I want it to stop. I want to go back to normal, back to work and back to my happy self. I want to be a real mom again, not one that just gets up when she can muster enough energy to make it to the kitchen. I want to tuck my babies in at night and read them stories. I can’t even be near them if they have a sniffle.
What am I learning out of all of this? Patience possibly? How to be happy in the middle of a shit storm? I don’t know. Maybe when it’s over I will have some profound epiphany to share. But for now, I will share that this SUCKS, and I want it over with pronto.
I can’t close this out complaining. I do want to thank my Fight Club for taking over when I can’t fight. They have been praying, bringing me food that I feel like eating and cleaning out my refrigerator. The gifts keep on coming! Every day something good happens, it doesn’t make me like this any more or say, “WOW I am so glad this happened to me because I never would have…” but the sweet spots overwhelm me, make me feel loved and keep me going on days like today when I want to say, I AM DONE!
XO,
C
Theresa Goehring
Oh Cathy, I almost understand. When you are in the middle of the fight it is almost impossible to get through. My Oncologist asked me why people keep coming back when she makes them so sick…HOPE.
I hope you feel better very soon and kick cancer’s butt!
Cathy
Thank you Theresa! HOPE, there is always hope!
XO,
C
Melanie Miller
For what little not is worth, we are all learning from your strength, resiliency and gut.wrenching honesty. If it is having such an impact on people like me who have no direct experience with this insidious disease, I can’t imagine the comfort and understanding your sharing means to those who have battled. You are a Warrioress of Reality…..and that is immeasurably valuable.
Cathy
Melaine,
Thank you for your kind words. Warrioress of Reality! I LOVE that! New blog title? Lol!
XO,
C
Kevin
I certainly know exactly how you are feeling Cathy. I felt every single thing you are feeling on my journey as well. Not every post has to be happy or upbeat. Cancer sucks! The treatments and surgeries and medications suck too! It overwhelms and feels like it will never end sometimes. I know the anger and the tears. I KNOW! It’s ok to “rant” you have the right to my sweet friend and sometimes it helps to get it out. I too appreciated the sweet days because they were few and far between. What it feels like and what it is are two different things though. I assure you, it DOES does get better.
I am so sorry that you are having to go through this, it breaks my heart. I pray for you and think of you every day. Just don’t lose sight of how loved you are and how many are in your corner. Lean hard when you need to, your club members can handle it.
Love and big hugs to you! ❤️
Cathy
Thank you Kevin, you have been a rock for me! I am so grateful for our friendship.
XO,
Cathy
Gloria
I’m sorry you are having bad days, but thank you for sharing the real stuff. Sometimes it’s OK to let others carry you through, even though it goes against the way you typically live your life. I’m about three weeks behind you in treatment and it has been amazing to find out how many others have been through this. Hope you wake to a less painful day!
Cathy
Thank you Gloria! I really appreciate your kind words!
XO,
C
Christie ward
I did chemo backwards than you. I finished an 18 week combo of abraxane( taxane), carboplatin, Perjeta and Herceptin on October 22nd. Just had double mastectomy and lymph node dissection on November 30th. Pathology from surgery came back with everything clear. No cancer cells. So six more months of Herceptin and 10 years of Tamoxophin and check ups. Not a journey anyone chooses and such miserable moments when the chemo makes you sick but so so grateful that in so many cases…chemo works! Reconstruction starts in February ….all that to say ..you’ve got this. Lean on Him…
Cathy
Christie, you are an absolute inspiration! You are right, chemo sucks…but it works and we will be around to be here with our families. That is the most important reason to keep fighting. Praying along with you. My reconstruction is in February. Outpatient and easy. I had an implant/nipple saving bilateral mastectomy, which will make things so much easier not having to go through the expander and nipple reconstruction process. I am VERY thankful for that. So much good along with the bad. God is good. XO, C