This post is not a brain dump, but more of a heart spill. Sometimes I share things and later feel like I have been too transparent. There are some things I should probably keep to myself…I have shared so much of my journey publicly. But then I think back to posts that I have published and the people who have reached out to me to tell me that they related to what I wrote. They were helped in some way by the words that I typed. So I’m just going to write and we will see what happens.
Windows
This past Thursday was my last chemo. I haven’t left my bedroom in 5 days. This round has hit the very hardest. When I am sick like this, I feel the lowest. Constant nausea, bone pain, headaches and stomach cramping. I have no choice but to be still, think, cry and reflect. Since I don’t have the strength to leave my room, I sat by my window this morning. A month before I was diagnosed with HER2 positive breast cancer I bought a wind chime. I just stared out the window and watched it. I listened to it as it blew in the wind, and it made me smile. No matter how yucky I feel on the inside right now—looking out that window made me look forward to feeling better. I can’t wait to spend time out on my back patio again. Reading, listening to that wind chime, grilling dinner and watching my kids swim and play in the backyard.
Windows give us hope. They let us see out, when we can’t see a way.
Being Single
I loathe being single. It sucks. THERE, I said it. I am attributing my loathing to the fact that I have been in committed relationships since I was 19 years old. I have never been single for very long as an adult. Ever.
Like many women, when I was a little girl I daydreamed about the husband I would do life with. Someone to raise children with, go to church with, watch TV and go on dates with. You know…the quintessential relationship with a spouse that adored me and a family of my own. I may have had the relationships, but the quintessential part—not so much. I’m not without fault in those relationships, but being single right now wasn’t my choice. It is hard enough to go from married to single with no warning, but going through cancer without a spouse’s shoulder to cry on has been a very lonely place for me. Even with so many surrounding and supporting me. What this season has taught me is that I can’t depend on someone to do life with for my happiness. Unfortunately, my journey to health isn’t just fighting breast cancer, it’s fighting my old way of doing things as well. I have to learn to accept a different kind of love in the form of support from friends and family—and allow God to fill the loneliness. I have to learn to like being single before I can even think about another relationship.
I don’t like it…but I’ll do it because I have to.
People Movers
Recently, one of my girlfriends was describing a person who came into my life at the start of my cancer journey as a “people mover”. When I asked for a definition, she explained to me that people movers help you move on. They can help you move away from a bad situation, or move forward toward something better. The problem with people movers is that in most cases they are only in our lives temporarily. I have never been equipped to handle temporary relationships. I connect quickly and get hurt when someone decides to move on. This definition made me realize I have had many friendships with people movers, but I have never really learned from them. I may see warning signs and try to pump the brakes, but I have a hard time accepting reality and protecting myself from the hurt that’s sure to come. My most recent people mover helped me move away from a bad situation AND I am headed toward something better in the future. A two for one, and for that I am grateful. Although painful, the moving on forced me to a place where I had no choice but to do some heavy thinking, praying and self evaluation. I realized that I am way too sensitive at times, I believe entirely too much of what I hear when it may not be sincere, I settle for much less than what I deserve and I give too much which allows people to take advantage of me. A hard pill to swallow indeed. But I will have better boundaries and make better decisions now thanks to my most recent people mover.
Sometimes, people are only in our lives for a season. They may not be willing or able to give back what we would give to them. I am learning to be okay with that and move on! So a little advice from me, if you ever enter (and exit) a relationship with a people mover, I suggest that you take the good with you and leave the bad behind. I have so many fond memories of my friendships with people movers—and that is how I will choose to remember them.
Letting go isn’t always a bad thing…sometimes it’s the only way to move forward.
XO,
C
Rick Moody
Thank you for sharing. Life moves slowly for some, but for others, it can really beat them down in a short time. Everything you are going through is among the worst stressors a person can deal with. I can’t imagine the heart ache and emotions that you feel and the uncertainty and possible insecurity that your children are facing as well.
I don’t know your whole story but I know cancer affects families and it’s heartbreaking. I know divorce with children is devasting, even more so, when you have been together for such a long time.
All I can say is to let people be there for you. They don’t do it for themselves. They do it for you. You seem to have a bunch of fighters that are willing to be there for you and help you through this time and I strongly encourage you to take advantage of what you have. And when I say advantage, I don’t mean in a negative way of using people. It’s because it’s your turn and time to receive from wonderful people that care. Take care of yourself Cathy. Continue fighting and rest when you need to. We all understand.
Cathy
Thank you Rick! Thank you so much.
Jen Hess
I adore you and your spirit. I can relate to so many of the things you said in this blog. Just want to curl up in bed with you and make it all better….. if only it were that simple. All my love xoxo
Cathy
Thank you Jen, hugs back! XO, C
Valerie Schneider
A tear ran down my cheek as I read your blog. I know that your life will lead to to a better place, you just have to go through the journey to get there. There is a reason, even though you may not know it at the moment. Sending you love and good vibes Cathy. Maybe our lives will cross again one day. xo Valerie
Cathy
Thank you Valerie! Love and miss you. XO, C
Valerie Schneider
I love you to Cathy.
Mike Pueschell
A Beautiful catharsis, Cathy. Thank you. Only with wisdom comes the ability to glance at your valley journey, but fix your gaze on the peak. Incredible testimony is building in this season. For you. For others. Hold fast, daughter of the Most High.
Cathy
Thank you Mike! XO, C
Erika
Oh, Cathy. My heart just breaks for you in this path you have been forced to travel. I know the light at the end of the tunnel will be so much better than what you could ever hope for. Stay Strong!
XO
Cathy
Thank you sweet Erika! You can help by granting me a celebration soon with you and Sam XO, C
Sharon Dennis
Cathy … Well written darling. I so wish you were not experiencing this pain but I know Hod will turn your ashes into beauty.
Cathy
Thank you Sharon!
XO, C
Laura Pinner
You, my dear, are a beaming light of Hope to every single one of us. I stand in awe of you. I pray for you. And I hope that you know that you are loved. BEYOND measure. I can’t find the words to help heal your heart and that frustrates me to no end. I can’t stand to see someone in pain. But I do believe in faith that you will persevere and make it through. Better, healed, whole and RESTORED. LOVE YOU. Philippians 1:3 xoxo
Cathy
Thank you sweet Laura!
XO, C
Jennifer Fisher Acorn
So Sorry for what you are going through and Praying and Sending Big Hugs to you 💕 You are learning so much on your Journey and Thank You for Sharing your thoughts and feelings about what you are going through 💕
Cathy
Thank you Jennifer! XO, C
Laura
I thought the People Mover was a ride at Disney. We should go to Disney. We can have lunch with Jasmine or whatever.