I cried myself to sleep last night. Scared, alone and afraid.
I think we all need to be reminded that things aren’t always what they seem.
I have had people tell me that I am an inspiration—that I motivate them to keep going by being honest and sharing my struggles. I have others that tell me that I make life and cancer seem fun…as if I have no struggles at all. I don’t know for sure, but I think it has a lot to do with perspective. The state of one’s ideas, the facts known to one, etc.
Why does everyone spend so much time evaluating other people’s lives? Look at him/her on social media…they must be hurting because they stay so busy. Or the opposite, they must stay so busy because he/she is choosing to live life in the moment. People ultimately assume what they want, good or bad. In their minds we become what they evaluate…not who we really are.
I have stayed VERY busy lately. Any distraction is better than sitting around sad and lonely. Especially now that I am feeling better physically. BUT that doesn’t mean I don’t spend A LOT of time sad, alone and in prayer. I worry that I am wearing my friends out. I have been selfish, and I have required a lot from them over the past year without giving back. I just haven’t. I have taken…and I feel much guilt over that. I know that this is just a season, but that doesn’t make it any easier to take when your heart is to be a giver.
I was supposed to leave for my annual family vacation this morning. Instead I am going in for another biopsy this afternoon. I won’t go into details right now, because there is a good chance that it is nothing, but I am scared. It’s during times like these when the loss of my spouse is crippling. I curled up in a ball last night and cried myself to sleep. I know I am not alone, but I was physically alone. That has been SO hard for me during times that I just want someone to physically wrap their arms around me, and tell me everything is going to be fine.
I know I will be okay, I have to be. Just keep swimming right?
I felt lead to be honest this morning, and I hope my honesty encourages you to evaluate your perspectives, instead of evaluating people.