I don’t want you, I don’t like you and I want to break up immediately!
*Warning, if you are looking to be inspired, exit out. This is definitely not a feel good post. Hopefully I will be back to those in few days.
I went from feeling like this on Friday night:
to not being able to get out of bed on Saturday. I was still in bed all day today and it’s Tuesday. I miss the outside, I miss sunshine, I miss people…and I am missing my friend’s VIP restaurant opening party tonight. I won’t even be able to go to my little boy’s birthday party at the fun center, due to it being a germ factory.
I know I should be grateful for what is good in my life. I should be thankful that I am being kept alive and the cancer is being knocked out. I should be grateful that I only have 4 rounds total when some have dozens.
But I don’t want any. more. chemo!
I went from being 100% healthy to 100% sickly and I can’t take it. Such a huge shock and lifestyle change. Everyone keeps reminding me that it’s temporary, just a blip on the radar. Is it? Because mentally and emotionally…I don’t know if I agree with that at all. I don’t think this will ever be temporary for me.
I am on the go, all of the time. Sitting still just isn’t my thing. But I haven’t had a choice for four days now. I have had bone pain that is crippling, stomach cramps worse than labor pains, headaches and nausea. I feel like I have been run over by a truck. The girl who is always smiling, has not been able to stop crying. I don’t want to fight anymore, I want it to stop. I want to go back to normal, back to work and back to my happy self. I want to be a real mom again, not one that just gets up when she can muster enough energy to make it to the kitchen. I want to tuck my babies in at night and read them stories. I can’t even be near them if they have a sniffle.
What am I learning out of all of this? Patience possibly? How to be happy in the middle of a shit storm? I don’t know. Maybe when it’s over I will have some profound epiphany to share. But for now, I will share that this SUCKS, and I want it over with pronto.
I can’t close this out complaining. I do want to thank my Fight Club for taking over when I can’t fight. They have been praying, bringing me food that I feel like eating and cleaning out my refrigerator. The gifts keep on coming! Every day something good happens, it doesn’t make me like this any more or say, “WOW I am so glad this happened to me because I never would have…” but the sweet spots overwhelm me, make me feel loved and keep me going on days like today when I want to say, I AM DONE!